There are three distinct times in my life where I remember specifically being low to the ground.
The first time was when I was 17. I was contemplating suicide, curled up in a ball on my floor with cuts on my arms, hot tears streaming down from my face, and desperately asking the creator of the universe to take the pain away. Begging for him to take back time, to rewind the events in my life that had occurred that year.
The second time was my fall semester of my sophomore year in college. I had been pushed over my limit school wise, and felt out of control. I was on my knees clutching my stomach naked in front of my shower at 2am, without anyone to turn to. Verbally admitting that I couldn’t do it anymore, I wasn’t strong enough to handle my classes on my own. I couldn’t control my depression, that I previously believed I had a strong hold on.
The third time was last week. I went on a run, with thoughts of inadequacy circulating through my brain. Thoughts of frustration and anger. No matter how hard I sprinted I couldn’t run fast enough. I slowly walked upstairs to my apartment, shut the door to my bedroom, collapsed to the ground and cried silently.
I know what you’re thinking, “Wow, this girl cries a lot”, and you’re right. To me crying isn’t a weakness, it’s a release of my frustrations and things I can’t control. It’s a white flag signaling that I surrender. My tears are an outward expression representing that I cannot handle all of the stressors in life, my anger, my depression, and my anxiety. My tears express what words can’t.
Why are these three times so significant to me? Because they are times when I truly, truly cried out like a child to my eternal father.
Looking back on these times it was no coincidence that I was on my knees without consciously making the decision. I was at my lowest mentally and physically, so often when we feel small we make ourselves small and refer back to our childlike states we once knew.
People often equate kneeling in church as a sign of reverence to God, but it is also a non-verbal sign of relinquishment. I was humbly coming to my father’s feet, crying out “Abba, father” please help me, please. In those moments I was a daughter timidly admitting defeat and he was a father gently whispering in my ear, “little girl, arise”, taking my shaking hands ever so gently and breathing life into my breathless lungs.
Upward falling, spirit soaring
I touch the sky when my knees hit the ground
In those moments I had never felt so close to the Lord and truly at peace. I could genuinely feel the grace that had been offered to me by verbally admitting my weakness and my inability to handle my situation. By relinquishing my grip on my burdens God came in and gently swept my heavy load into his hands. Hands that are gentle, kind, and soft.
With all of the above being said, did I automatically have all of my problems solved? No way! I did however receive the gentle reminder that I am the daughter of the creator of the universe who has no limits as to what can be handled, and faced my problems with confidence.
God used words to create the universe, words are powerful, OUR WORDS OUR POWERFUL. Verbally releasing your hardship and crying out to the Lord has so much power in it.
Friends I leave you with this, do not ever be afraid to admit you cannot handle something, it isn’t a sign of weakness. Having the wisdom to discern when something becomes too much and being able to admit your inadequacy takes a humble heart. Don’t be afraid to call out to the very being that created you and knows your deepest fears/desires, God wants to hear you call his name.
p.s. This post was inspired by Hillsong United’s new track Touch The Sky, you should give it a listen and really let the words resonate, I know they did for me.
Walk in love,